The Insane Universe

Glad to be alive, yet I feel half dead. I know this sounds confusing, but I think I have actually lost it. There is no doubting my insanity. I have entered the zone of an emotional rollercoaster. The inconsistencies in my thoughts and reactions have made me question every element of my life and its worth. Turmoil explodes into flames and is put out by a rain drop. Sometimes I just wish I was just a calm, complacent person. But I’m not!
I am completely fed up with the system’s fallacies, lucrative prompted injustices, and the stress of the modern world. I think my soul is from a distant time past and my mind is ill.

I often think I am an old soul. I find true satisfaction in the inaccuracy of hand crafts and the warmth of our neighbors. I love baking and gardening. The slow pace seems like a dream. Don’t think I am lazy! I was built to work. I hardly know how to stop. I am driven and passionate, yet think I might kill myself with all the available choices in our modern life.

Have you ever looked down the isle at the grocery store with 27 varieties of the same product? I have to gather in all the potential possibilities; which one cost the least, is the most environmentally friendly, has the best picture on the package, and on and on? Too many choices seem to be my weakness. The flip side is without choices I feel oppressed. Where is the balance? It is individual.

I can hardly point blame anywhere but myself, yet I think it is also society (which I am part of). I think our culture and society are sick and I am sitting in the middle, lost. Don’t feel sorry for me. It is just a process to a higher level. I know I will find a spot in life that is fulfilling when the universe lets it happen, that is, if the universe has any control at all.

November Snow

Yippy! The snow is here and I hear it is here for a few more days. I don’t know the exact records, but I bet we have gotten two feet within the last week. My boyfriend gave me a little trouble when I brought my little-kid-style sled to school (college) last week because this fluffy white stuff is meant to play in. I even enjoy shoveling it. It looks like we are going to have a great winter. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

3:12 AM

Insomnia is a crazy scene, especially if you live in a one room house with another person. I am not sure what it really causes this condition, yet I am always trying to figure it out. It wasn’t until last year that I had my first bout of sleeplessness. I had never experienced anything like this before, at the same time I was never forced to go to bed.

My mind tells me it is anxiety of the unknown uncertainties, which of course will never be known. It’s like a dog chasing its own tail. Still another idea would be the lack of light that encourages a lack of activity. These days it is getting dark around four in the afternoon. Maybe I just need to run around like a small child to get that deep, snoring, uninterrupted sleep. Still another thought is the possibly of insomnia being related to our biggest killer, stress. Regardless, it seems insomnia may be the first outwardly symptom of discontent. I fight it every fall. It makes me wonder if I am supposed to live in Alaska. But is it the place or the attitude?

I often wish I were one who lived in bliss, without much responsibility, as I might have been before. Life was simpler then. The world offered much less responsibility and fear. I had no fear. I lived life on an edge of uncertainty that was content. It seems as if there is more to it all, or is this a delusion? As I get older I feel I should have a certain level of accomplishment. It is the standard of the Americans. I have tried not to put myself on a continuum of comparison, knowing this is not a way to find contentness.

Life is beautiful and full and there is no way to go backwards. This is a good thing. Yet, the potential reasons for not being able to sleep are endless and there is no valid reason I can put my finger on. Maybe I just need a shrink.

So here I am at 3:12 AM wondering what I can do to make myself go back to sleep.

Toxic effects...

Marla Cone has been a journalist writing about environmental issues for over nineteen years. I started reading her book called Silent Snow: the Slow Poisoning of the Arctic which is a bit of an eye opener. In her book she discusses the impact the industrialized world is having on the Arctic dwellers and how toxic their food and bodies have become.

When researches tested the breast milk of mothers living in the frozen tundra on top of the world their findings were literally off the charts. These mothers amplified the toxins of people living in L.A. and other industrialized cites. How could that be? Some of these people were several times more toxic than any other tests have ever shown. By our current standards, their bodies would be considered a toxic waste contaminate that would have to be carefully disposed of. Yet, the current situation is one of the most ironic scenarios since these people have never benefited or had direct contact with the majority of the toxins affecting them.

There are over two hundred pesticides, fertilizers and other pollutants that have filtered into the food web. Some of the primary contaminates include DDT, PCB’s, and heavy metals such as Mercury. Although, DDT was banned in the U.S. in the 1970’s it still remains in third world nations and in the Arctic.

The toxins work their way up into the Arctic as vaporized air pollutants, runoff from the land into the ocean, and through the food web. They are first eaten by the smallest organisms such as plankton, krill, and up the chain they go to the Inuit’s main food source of seals and whales. Eaten contaminants build up within the organisms and never leave the consumer. Some toxins live practically forever with half-life break downs of more than 10,000 years.

I was trying to think what could be done. This dilemma does not have an easy solution, possibly none at all. Yet, my idealistic approach to the world thinks that a minimal attempt could help on an individual basis.

So, next time I use a plastic item, eat non-organic food, or drive my car I try to consider the rippling effects. Or not, that’s our consumer freedom. At this rate, would the human race be doomed anyway?

Are you ok? Would you like some blueberry pancakes with maple syrup?

"Attitude is everything," this is so cliché and still sits right on top of reality. My attitude is easily manipulated. Realizing this simple force, I am aware of my attitude toward others. I try to have a positive effect on others, but that isn’t always possible or real. It isn't always a piece of cake, sometimes it is messy pudding or un-jelled Jello.

The great attitudal approach is every bit worth a try since attitude can make or break how others respond and make life easier for anyone who has to live around me.
If I am not careful attitude can be habitual just like many other human responses; habitually fake, habitually funny, sarcastic, frantic, overwhelmed, positive, uplifting, encouraging, or any other emotion. But once we have control over our attitude then we can step into control over our lives and not feel like as if a slave to society.

Attitude is a controllable force over everything that channels acceptance and being content. We have a lot of freedom and this is one of them.

I have to work really hard to being truly content and keep an upbeat attitude about the whole school/fall scene. I miss the sun and when it comes out I have to make responsible, prioritized choices and write papers instead of wandering aimlessly into the freezing air and alpine glow. Which one will make tomorrow brighter? But if I can count my attributes about school; I am learning a new skill, I am becoming a productive writer, or even a better cup maker in ceramics-- then I have gotten something positive out of my attitude.

Attitude is a temporary as are emotions and is simply an opinion or general feeling about something. We can not always change the way we feel, but we can choose how we respond. However, I believe it is most important to be real and honest over having a good attitude. Approach and determination will get you awfully far, and yet sincere responses are better than a fake attitude.

We should all live for the moment anyway, that is all we really have. It all circles back to my romanticized imagination. If I can keep the attitude right, everything else is ok. I won't die of stress related diseases and we will all eat blueberry pancakes with maple syrup.

Mendenhall Glacier

Once again, here is a nice shot of that nice chunk of ice.

Snow, Ice and Typing.

I can hardly wait for the snow! I have decided to learn to ski this year. You may wonder, “How can someone live in Alaska and not know how to ski?” Well, you see growing up in Texas did not lend much room for practice. Also skiing seems to be only a sport for people with“$$$,” which is simply a stereotype. I hope another stereotype does not fit this scenario and I am not too old to learn!
I don’t think I am since I am willing to accept the challenge.

The only problem in Juneau is waiting for the snow. I have been watching the snowline slowly sift down the tops of the mountains but it hasn’t gotten very far yet. The days are getting cooler, but a chance to ski will not shine for a while.

It has been raining and raining. The amount of daylight is quickly dwindling away. This is no excuse. It does not always rain. There is always a break here and there from everything. For example, this past Sunday we woke up and it was silent. There were no pounding drops or even little drips and dribbles on the metal roof…silence.
I peeked out the window and I could see a patch of blue sky intermixed within the clouds above the tip tops of the 250 feet spruce trees. As quickly as we could drag everything out of the loft we had our bags packed and were heading to the Mendenhall Glacier. By golly, if there isn’t going to be snow at least there is a big chunk of ice in our backyard! For this I am grateful.

A two and a half mile hike up West Glacier Trail and then we could climb on the enormous frozen entity. There is no color in the world that can represent the color of glacial ice, except itself. What a retreat from so many days sitting on my rear engulfed in homework or staring at the computer (like now). I almost forgot how important fresh air, a hike in the woods and a little ice climbing action can be. Although, our time was limited and we only had but a couple of chances to climb around in the crevasses. The daylight was fading fast. It felt so good to swing my ice axe and kick my crampons into the ice. It works out those little flabby muscles under our biceps and under our butt. This is always good for a thirty something year old.

It slightly irritates me to realize how much time I spend just reading or typing and absorbed in work of some sort or another. I have somehow fallen into the rat race without my consent. I don’t even own a television, and still here I am typing away on the computer. It seems that this is the major contributor to our obese society. Of course, going to the gym would solve the problem, but who wants to do that? I just want more time outside.

So yesterday I made the time. I went for a walk in the intermittent rain. I didn’t have my rain coat or rubber boots. But what harm is there in getting a little wet? I made my way down the river and remembered it was time to collect dandelion roots and dug a few up. I remembered how good it felt to gather and find what you need in nature. It was so rewarding to get my fingers muddy and my hair wet with rain. I wonder what the world of subsistence is like and if those who practice it wish they were reading and typing instead.

more fun photos

Intention power

Before I can say type anything else, I have to thank all the people in this world who care, respond and are who they are. Last night, a classmate in my intercultural communication class told us, "Tomorrow is a day of intention!" That is today…why today? I am not sure. So October 17 2006 is a special day. Today is a day of intentions.
Well, that was yesterday. The point is, everyday could be the day of intentions.
The dictionary says that an intention is something that somebody plans to do or achieve. I had a lady explain intentions to me last year, and not in the shallow form, but in a way that rang deeper. An intention is like a goal, but much stronger. If you put an intention out there...out there in the universe, it will be answered. It reminds me of a prayer or a request and yet, it is still deeper than that. If more than one person puts energy toward an intention...you see the power is magnified. Like magic!

Intentions are our power, our form of magic. It may seem too far away for some of us to see. It is not something tangible, but yet it can be grounding. It is also possible that our scientific approach or the linear nature of our minds won't allow such possibilities. But, they are there real and if we can figure out how to release our intentions...I will let you fill in the blank.

I was reading a magazine in the bathroom at work, are we allowed saying that? Anyway, there was an article that talked about energy. I believe the quote went like this, “We are not physical beings on an energetic journey, but actually we are beings of energy on a physical journey in this life."

A Special Land of Gratitude and Reciprocity

I want you to tell me, what is it about Alaska that you know, and what do you want to know?
If you scholl down you will find a few pictures I have posted, I have tons more, but would like to have your imput. (I have recently saved the settings for easier comments by anyone.)

Alaska is such a diverse environment. It encompasses such a massive amount of space (larger than the size of Montana, Texas, and California put together). I am into exploration…in every sense. I am grateful to have the chance to explore the mountains and oceans, as well as survey the people and the trees. Crafts, folk art and food make me happy. Although, the price of restraunts does not. There are definatly things missing from the life of those down South, yet there are so many more things to find in a deeper sense.

I have had many great experiences that have allowed me to expand as a person, and for this I thank Alaska and its inhabitants.

What I would like to do is show you what you want, as a photographer I can give you more than a written picture. So what shall it be?
I would love to share anything you are interested in as well as explore anything I don’t know about. Test me.

Why bother?

Why do people live in Alaska? I have seen some here for different reasons than others. Although, it seems most are here because they belong here. It is a separate world, a different culture, a different pace and often a different perspective, especially if you belong to one of the "First Nations."

'First Nations' seems to be the most PC way of talking about people who have been here since the Glaciers of North America have exposed land. I am fascinated with these perspectives.

I found myself in Juneau because adventure and exploration brought me here. I have felt a disconnection with the American culture of the 'lower 48', often delving into the subculture’s battling spirits. The presence of a main stream money oriented capitalistic, materialistic driven world hurts my...well my being. Alaska still seemed free from this corruption.

As we speak, I am watching government and industry slowly destroy the natural rawness that has existed for so long. Is it inevitable for 'progress?'

I guess people could look at this and think I am unreasonable, irrational, idealistic and unreal. Why would you not consider the alternatives? It is time for our nation to start leading in conservation and rejuvenation!

A beautiful women and friend, Shirley, tried to comment, yet said it was too difficult to log in. She had asked if I would mention some of the good things that environmental groups have done. Yes, there has been a lot of advocacy and lobbying for the conservation and preservation of this land and sea. But what I want to know is why there is the other spectrum, so money/power oriented positions that we have to fight to keep the world clean rejuvenating and conserving? Why do we have to fight for what is rightfully good?

Some might call me sensitive, others may say extreme, how do you feel? Are roads and oil more important than caribou and trees? Is there truly a comprimise?

I just wanted to throw in a couple of beautiful scenes from above and around Juneau.

This is a nice view from on top of the Mighty Mendenhall Glacier which is receding like all the other 38 glaciers making up North America's largest icefield, right behind Juneau.

It could be a part of the evolution and ecology of the world, defiantly and effect of global warming, and possibly the end of the world!!

No really, can we stress on such minor details?

Environmental Issues

Alaska
I ended my last entry with a tangent toward the ecology of Alaska. I am concerned about the environmental changes due to “modernization” and “industrialization” in Alaska and worldwide. Within the past 50-100 years the changes throughout our global economy are creating dyer effects among the natural world and the balance of the Earth, changing the way life has been for thousands of years.

A collective consciousness is obviously in need as we loose our resources, first nation cultures and practices, our land and sea to pollution, and the abundant flora and fauna. Is this cause a worthy of continuing for the sake of capitalism and possible greed?

I realize I am a hypocrite to analyze such occurrences. I work for my green paper ($), drive my car down the paved road into the city of Juneau, even if it is only 31,000 people. I heat my home with oil and propel my lights with propane or a generator running on gasoline. I use toilet paper and notebooks. My home is filled with items collected from the forest and seashore, but also with things bought at the department store and the list goes on.

One thing that seems like a positive light is the recycling center has just started recycling plastic and various papers. It is a step in the right direction, but all this must be barged out of our land locked town to Seattle for any resolution. This is only the case in this larger town, whereas the little villages of Alaska have no alternatives but to burn their waste and trash. What about the land-field, batteries, and other toxic wastes? Plastic bags alone are a major contributor found in the pollution of sea life, since it breaks down into plankton size and is consumed by what may be our dinner. So why do we even need plastic bags? Our convienient world is truly a global problem, but how can we change it? None of us have the time in this haste of business.

I am an “American,” the people willing to wage war and kill for the precious oil as well as drill into the pristine North Slope, where even the sound of a snow-machine is going to effect the polar bear population. Polar bears do not repopulate quickly, and the noises often establish an alarm causing the mothers to move their dens.

Who in Washington D.C. really cares about the people who live near the polar bears or even the polar bears for that sake? There is not a direct connection. This seems to be the issue of the exploitation of Alaska. Why is $ more important than life?

We have a government that has placed rules and regulators throughout; forest service, fish and game and more. Have we really addressed the issues?
It is a constant battle between government, capitalism, environmental issues, resources and what seems to be obvious need to nourish and reciprocate what we take from our host, the Earth. Where do you stand?

Alaskan Experience

Alaskan Experience
Sunday was a bit amazing, often the way I view this spot in the world. I felt a bit socially deprived in my solitude and necessary workload, but I really can’t complain. I saw the first snowfall of the year on top of the mountain s and the sun was out and about the sky in patches of glory (compared to today’s constant downpour). I spent five hours on Sunday gardening and planting bulbs in a garden along the Gastineau Channel on Douglas Island.
The view was spectacular of the water, the mountains, waterfalls, and during a slight misty appearance of a rainbow. My thoughts were of spring, rather than the more difficult fall. I have had a difficult time adjusting to the fall weather with the light depletion and the almost constant rain, but the rest of the year makes up for it, especially if there is a lot of snow!
This garden will shine in the spring and be filled with the multitude of color attributed by the tulips, narcissus, and daffodils galore. I spent a good amount of time gathering seaweed from the shore, grateful for its abundance representing a healthy sea. I wanted to prepare the garden by adding the nutrients of the sea and helping to protect it from the possible harsh winter giving the bulbs a better chance of survival. Sometimes I think I am an old person, or at least an old soul, but I realize I just like the good stuff. Maybe I feel old because I have learned so much about gardening and respect from my older friends. Age really is irrelevant. I am however, concerned with the fate of our Earth and the direction we are taking ecologically.

This breaching humback outsizes the tourest boat nearby. The incredible part is that only half of its body is out of the water.

Fluke! This shot was more than a fluke. These tails are sometimes 15 feet across.

Have you ever seen Humpback whales bubble net feeding? It is an amazing scenerio. These guys and gals can gulp up 10,000 gallons of water in one mouthful and strain the ocean through their baleen, since the size of their throat is not much bigger than a grapefruit.